Types of Abuse

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The Cycle of Abuse

Emotional Abuse
Domestic or relationship violence (also called wife abuse, family violence and partner assault) is rarely a one-time occurrence. It usually takes place as part of a cycle that includes the following phases.

Tension-building stage:
Insults and other verbal attacks; minor abusive situations; victim tries to be compliant, "walks on eggshells," and feels helpless; atmosphere becomes increasingly more oppressive.

Violent episode:
Built-up tensions erupt into incidents ranging from severe verbal/emotional abuse to physical/sexual assault and can last from a few minutes to a few days, depending on the relationship. It is during this time that a woman is most likely to be seriously injured or killed by her partner.

Honeymoon stage:
Following a violent episode the abuser is usually contrite and attentive; the victim once again recognizes the person she first fell in love with and may be inclined to believe his promises to change.

Unless there is some form of intervention, the cycle usually repeats itself with the violent episodes escalating in frequency and intensity. It is also important to note that not all abuse fits into this pattern.

A Poem of Abuse:

          MY SUNGLASSES

You wear your sunglasses to shade your eyes from the sun so bright,
But for me, they shade a totally different light.
You see and hear a beautiful person, I try very hard,
But hidden deep inside, I am permanently scarred.
You see a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face,
But hidden deep inside, I'm in a darker place.
A place of hurt and a place of shame,
I was put there by a person who staked his claim.
You see, I wear my sunglasses to hide the agony, to shield the pain,
To cover the tears, realizing there is nothing left to gain.
He said he loved me, I thought is was true,
Maybe he did, but why oh why did he treat me so cruel???
The harsh words, the name calling, the implications to blame,
Oh right, we can't talk about this right now, it's time for the pregame.
The despair and the loneliness have gone on too long,
So I've decided to stand on my own two feet and be strong.
These feelings of never being good enough I can't deny, the damage is done,
They are very permanent, and impossible to overcome.
I've tried and tried to no avail,
All that's left is a bitter verbal trail.
Everytime I look in your eyes and try to see myself there,
All I see are my feelings, bruised, scarred, and bare.
I've decided I can't look for myself there anymore.
I can't bare to see that person there forevermore.
I've finally seen the light, this light so true,
But unfortunately, you still don't have any clue.
So I wear my sunglasses to hide the agony, to shield the pain,
To cover the tears, realizing there is nothing left to gain.
I wish you all of the best, I really do,
But you've realized too late that this has brought you to
An uncompromising fate too.
Hopefully, next time you will listen and you will see,
That a prize so grand is NOT for free.
Love her, and adore her, and cherish her name,
Instead of degrading her, and humiliating her,
And verbally beating her down to shame.

Jill

Sincerely,

Emotional Abuse

 

FORMS OF EMOTIONAL BATTERING
  1. INSULTS: Constant criticism, which emotionally injures your personal, emotional, sexual, professional, or other selves. Insults can greatly undermine your self-confidence and eventually cripple you emotionally.
  2. REJECTION: Direct or indirect statements, which create feelings of unworthiness. Insults and rejections teach the victim that she/he is not worthy of receiving loving behavior. Rejections can be used as punishment for not cooperating with an abusive pattern. Also abusers may deliver a rejection in an attempt to justify their anger towards you.
  3. EMOTIONAL THREATS AND ACCUSATIONS: Direct or indirect statements about the intent to cause emotional or physical harm, or to create emotional loss to yourself or those you love, depend on, or are responsible for. This includes lying about your behavior, attitudes, or emotional state to anyone else in such a way that you cannot defend yourself.
  4. EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL: A statement or behavior, which uses your fear, guilt, insecurity, or confusion to trap you into giving the abuser power over you. Most victims prefer their private lives to remain private. To an already terrorized person, emotional blackmail may result in a blank check to the abuser in her/his life.
  5. CRAZY-MAKING STATEMENTS AND BEHAVIOR: Distorts reality and destroys the possibility of honest communication creating confusion and insecurity. Examples include: -- saying one thing and meaning/doing another, acting ignorant about a known subject, stating a lie as if it were a known truth, having good intentions or regrets which are never acted upon.
  1. NOT BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BEING IGNORED AND NEGLECTED: And other ways of undermining self-esteem. Ignored requests and denied needs cause self-doubt and emotional pain. It leaves one feeling unimportant and possibly undeserving of fair treatment.
  2. SOCIAL AND SEXUAL PREJUDICE: Added to all the other forms of emotional abuse which females suffer, society often perceives women as helpless, emotionally immature and often irrational. Once an abusive relationship is ended, they still struggle with being treated fairly. Fortunately, the assertive skills learned, as a recovering victim can be put to good use in a sexist society.
  3. POSSESSIVE AND PUNITIVE BEHAVIOR: Perceiving a person as property. The behavior can include: jealousy, limiting freedom, creating isolation, denying capabilities, blocking opportunities to develop skills, talents, and potential.
  4. BASING A RELATIONSHIP ON UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: The abuser assumes he/she knows what is best for the victim. Being denied the opportunity to discover and define oneself prevents the possibility of developing a mutually beneficial and realistic relationship. By imposing self-interests upon another person, the abuser creates an emotionally unhealthy obligation for both people.

Verbal Abuse

 

Verbal Abuse and its Devastating Impact
By Patricia Evans

Verbal Abuse is insidious.
Verbal Abuse is endemic.
Verbal Abuse impacts millions of people.
Verbal Abuse and its denial are crazy-making
Verbal Abuse usually occurs in secret.

If you've heard,
     "You're Too Sensitive"
          you've heard verbal abuse.

Although many people have heard sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt us, those who have suffered from verbal abuse know that words do hurt and can be as damaging as physical blows are to the body. The scars from verbal assaults can last for years. They are psychological scars that leave people unsure of themselves, unable to recognize their true value, their talents and sometimes unable to adapt to life’s many challenges.

Except for name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse—especially when it comes from a person they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, a family provider, one's parent, or even an older sibling that one has learned to look up to in childhood.

Unfortunately, when people don’t recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, or “correcting,” denouncing, yelling at or ignoring them to understand them. Or, they may try to stop them by giving it back in kind. In other words, they may act out their anger.

The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can’t very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.

Since, in the majority of cases, people who indulge in verbal abuse are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. “Nice and Friendly” is the persona of many an abuser. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not.

Neglect

Neglect is the failure of caregivers to fulfill their responsibilities to provide needed care.

"Active" neglect refers to behavior that is willful - that is, the caregiver intentionally withholds care or necessities. The neglect may be motivated by financial gain (e.g. the caregiver stands to inherit) or reflect interpersonal conflicts

"Passive" neglect refers to situations in which the caregiver is unable to fulfill his or her care giving responsibilities as a result of illness, disability, stress, ignorance, lack of maturity, or lack of resources

Self neglect refers to situations in which there is no perpetrator and neglect is the result of the older person refusing care.

The Inevitable


 
I huddle here in the corner of my closet
  Praying I will not hear your footsteps

searching for me
I huddle here in the corner of my closet
 Praying I will not hear your voice calling me
I huddle here in the corner of my closet
Lying in a fetal position waiting..........

 For the inevitable

                 ©1999

shaynamaydle

Physical abuse is physical force or violence that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. It includes assault, battery, and inappropriate restraint.

What are the indicators?

Indicators are signs or clues that abuse has occurred. Physical indicators may include injuries or bruises, while behavioral indicators are ways victims and abusers act or interact with each other. Many of the indicators listed below can be explained by other causes (e.g. a bruise may be the result of an accidental fall) and no single indicator can be taken as conclusive proof. Rather, one should look for patterns or clusters of indicators that suggest a problem.

Physical indicators

  • Sprains, dislocations, fractures, or broken bones
  • Burns from cigarettes, appliances, or hot water
  • Abrasions on arms, legs, or torso that resemble rope or strap marks
  • Internal injuries evidenced by pain, difficulty with normal functioning of organs, and bleeding from body orifices
  • Bruises. The following types of bruises are rarely accidental:
    • Bilateral bruising to the arms (may indicate that the person has been shaken, grabbed, or restrained)
    • Bilateral bruising of the inner thighs (may indicate sexual abuse)
    • "Wrap around" bruises that encircle an older person's arms, legs, or torso (may indicate that the person has been physically restrained)
    • Multicolored bruises (indicating that they were sustained over time)
    • Injuries healing through "secondary intention" (indicating that they did not receive appropriate care)
    • Signs of traumatic hair and tooth loss

Behavioral indicators

  • Injuries are unexplained or explanations are implausible (they do not "fit" with the injuries observed)
  • Family members provide different explanations of how injuries were sustained
  • A history of similar injuries, and/or numerous or suspicious hospitalizations
  • Victims are brought to different medical facilities for treatment to prevent medical practitioners from observing a pattern of abuse
  • Delay between onset of injury and seeking medical care

~A Battered Woman~



She thought he was her Knight In Shining Armor
As he thundered into her life, and swept her away
Caught up in the whilwind of passion
Spellbound, and blinded by love
she let him in





Never had she felt so loved, needed, & cherished
She was enchanted and consumed by love
Blinded, it was so easy not to see it...
The violent, twisted side of him
just beneath the surface



The bruises and swollen lips always quickly fade
But his words - cut, and wound so deeply
She is nothing - even less without him
She is bound to him and his abuse
taking all the blame





Each and every day she spends living in fear
Both self -esteem and dreams destroyed
But still, she loves him desperately
And a life alone, without him
is inconceiveable



For at times, though rare, he is still her knight
Still tender, still passionate and true
He promises things will change
Vows to never hurt her again
and so, she stays...




She doesn't recognize her own reflection in the mirror
Only the fear she feels, reflecting back in her eyes
Haunted eyes and faded bruises, she cries
The tears again stream down her face.
Who has she become


(c) 2002 ~Pamela Holland

What is sexual assault?

Sexual assault is any form of sexual contact or activity which occurs without your consent; it is not limited to rape (forced sexual intercourse.) Sexual assault has occured, for example, when you have been kissed, fondled, or had sexual intercourse without your consent. It can happen to both women and men.

Sexual assault may cause a great deal of psychological anguish and sometimes physical injury. It is an invasion of the person. The feelings of anger, guilt, betrayal, and humiliation felt by the survivors are difficult to comprehend by anyone who has not been sexually assaulted.

Sexual assault by an acquaintance is the most common form of rape on campuses. It is more likely to go unreported than "stranger rape" because it is not often perceived by the survivor as real sexual assault. Even when not recognized by the survivor as sexual assault, it can still have devastating effects on the survivor. It can cause the survivor not to trust others or themselves, to fear relationships, and to doubt their self-worth and view of the world. This is very serious when we consider that 17-23% of female students have been assaulted by people they know - often when on a date.

Often the perpetrator and the survivor view the situation quite differently. For instance, saying "NO" often is not taken seriously.

However, the frequency of sexual assaults by acquaintances can be reduced significantly by educating potential victims and offenders.